upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
