The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
