I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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