I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
