Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
