Already got asked if we're dating
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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