A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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