Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
