Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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