I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
