Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
