she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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