She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Randomize
