to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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