Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
You can't motorboat a personality
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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