Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
