hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
