You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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