I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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