after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
