guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
