Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
