why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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