i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
