I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
