I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize