Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
