ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
