I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
its liver damage thursday
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
