can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
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I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
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so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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