before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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