i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
