Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
