I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
did i walk over a car last night?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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