She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
