she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
