No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize