Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
