I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
