Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
