census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
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We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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