I'm eating all of the evidence.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
