just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
