Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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