your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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