Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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