So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
