someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
