i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
