i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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