I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
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I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
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So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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