my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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