When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
