Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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