the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
