i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
