Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
