i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
