if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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