I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
it's like heaven, but drunker
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
